bitterness prevails.
the human heart is designed with a certain capacity for love, joy and satisfaction. there's only so much love one could withhold before bursting, only so much joy before feeling lame and only so much satisfaction before wanting more and losing the status quo. noone's ever heard of a series of fortunate events, merely singular exceptions in an otherwise routinely disappointing affairs. that's of course caused by the heart maxing out on its happiness quota and seeking and finding the next glorious piece of misery in its surroundings, and sure enough it's right around the corner.
on the contrary and extremely out of proportion, taking away the little love and joy from the same seemingly lousy heart leads to infinite feelings of resentment, rage and apathy. noone's ever heard of 'as bad as it gets' simply because it can and will always get worse. there's always more to break, more to take away, more to endure and suffer. asymmetric hearts, that's what we've got. capped and bottomless.
he was thinking about all of this walking back home from the theater in midnight's chill. in a moment he took off his fleece jacket and then his t-shirt. in less than a minute he was numb. if only inside could go numb as quickly, if only it could take three years instead of thirty... but then even after thirty it still hurts. as much as things have gone wrong over and over and over again some once-upon-a-time stranger could manage to show up out of the ridiculous blue and take away more. how can one take what didn't exist? did she bring it with her when she arrived and took it away when she left? or was there some more he hadn't noticed until it was all gone? is it all gone now? is he finally safely frozen for good? what is left when one loses grace? what is left when one cheats on himself? when one challenges his own ego and wins? when one identifies with thoughts of all the freaks and losers and pests? when one can frightfully justify any given evil in sixty seconds or less?
but does it matter?
what matters? seriously, what? he got a single scoop of chocolate brownie on a regular - not sugar free - cone last night. it mattered, because he was too busy licking and didn't think much while it lasted. he got a dark chocolate chip muffin this morning and was too busy munching on it for some three minutes, it still mattered. maybe dark chocolate matters, especially its bitter aftertaste, maybe. and nothing else.
suffering is optional!
why are good days so scary and bad days safe? even since agrees that there is nothing forever. bad day, not forever, cool! good day ending crap!
but since is silent about God. there is nothing to say about something that doesn't end. no drama, no interest! since is tricky isn't it?
your God, your eternity, your everything and nothing, where is it? don't go too far, I bet you've left it at home.
great post.
I was reading a book on self-esteem the other night and a lot of what you've said here matches the low self-esteem descriptions...
I can relate to this post, which only means...