got a grudge? tired of fiddling through your ex's google results to no avail? exhausted from tailgating the bitch from orkut to facebook to myspace to flickr? dying to read his personal profile? we can help! we know how it feels; stalkitch dot com caters to all of your stalking itches, so why wait?
stalkitch dot com allows you to create a ctritically confidential profile of your subjects of interest in less than a few seconds, simply dump in their names and/or emails, we'll figure out the rest. aside from hourly google polls for any online activity remotely related to your subject we retain his entire history of viewed webpages, sent emails and conversed chats on any of the im platforms. our powerful stalkware engine also retrieves videos and merges from the subject's numerous profiles from any social networking site that the sucker ever dared registering in his miserable lonely life. stalkitch also depolys cutting edge mathematical regression models to derive all of the codenames for subject's secret profiles on every single matchmaking site that you could ever imagine. use our smart agonizer to setup automated annoying teasers sent to your subject from anonymous email addresses and barge on his sorry excuse of a life with sporadic annoying comments about something the moron did ten years ago or so. want more? stalksniff the subject's ip address for his entire webtraffic, capture all of his passwords and splurge in our automatically generated subject's daily calendar based on his cellphone and credit card statements including interactive maps and simulated real-life situations.
why stick to the past? for a small premium you could use the ingenious stalkitch forecasting application to analyze his surfing patterns and foretell which website the idiot is likely to waste time on tomorrow, or which whore he's most likely to flirtscrap the day after. don't be shy, we understand. stalkfuck with his head by setting up virtual booby traps awaiting him in his rss feeds.
imagine the possibilites, destroy the sick bastard, indulge in victory of discovery, get a kick over his weak attempts at being funny. stalkscratch your curiosity at stalkitch dot com. we know you want it. you just can't help it. come on, why wait, click today, stalkitch away.

wasn't there a feature to annoy the hell out of the bastard's new girlfriend/boyfriend?
so that those with OCD have a nervous breakdown in less than a week-guaranteed?
hahahaha
hilarious!
you're a geniuses!
it may be a little below your level, but have you thought about sending this to a newspaper like The Onion?
http://www.theonion.com/content/